Sex is that great bodily pleasure that causes neither obesity nor addiction.  “Sexual pleasure, wisely used and not abused, may prove the stimulus and liberator of our finest and most exalted activities.”  Havelock Ellis

            Notwithstanding the social movement toward equality between the sexes, men and women shall probably remain quite different with regards to sexual pleasure.  Generally, men are aroused more easily; aroused mostly by visual sexual stimuli, achieve orgasm more quickly, and have less need for a significant relationship before consummating the sexual act.  From an evolutionary point of view, men are built, biologically, to disseminate their reproductive seed.  Women, alternatively, arouse more slowly, take longer to achieve orgasm, are more aroused by non-physical attributes of their partner, and feel a greater need for the protective cuddle of a warm committed relationship.  From an evolutionary point of view, women are built, biologically, to be less impulsive in their mating and to therefore exercise wiser choice about the potential father of their children.  Much of the sexual tension in modern relationships arises from these biological forces that are more than a million years old.  Accordingly, mutual blame, frustration, and anger aren’t justified and do not advance the agenda.


Advice on Sex


1.  Regard sex as a special pleasurable act, like a great movie, play, meal or concert which should be indulged in both for pleasure and to communicate a great attraction, and liking of another person.  Disregard all views of sex that involve ideas of sin, wrongfulness or dirt.

2.  Women:  Unless you want a child now, take precautions against pregnancy.  Do not allow yourself to become pregnant unless you actively choose to do so.  Don’t wait to take precautions until after you sexualize your relationship.  Don’t believe anything a man says about his fertility unless you’ve spoken to his physician, and in general, don’t believe anything a man says in the heat of sexual passion.

3.  Don’t make marriage, total love, or total commitment a condition for having sex.  Acknowledge to yourself that it is okay to have sex at different times for different reasons:  play, love, warmth, pure hedonism, and to put an end to boredom.

4.  Immediately terminate your relationship with any person who ever forces you to have sex or whoever feels a need to hurt you (physically) during a sexual act.

5.  Use sexual fantasies to make sex exciting.  Don’t be afraid of your natural desires to enhance the sexual experience, but don’t allow yourself to have fantasies about illegal sexual behavior.

6.  Use sexual variety to enhance sex.  Oral sex, mutual masturbation, different sexual positions, and different locations (indoors, outdoors), etc. all help.  Introduce variations slowly, savoring each, and always leaving something new for the future.  Note: Sexual intercourse is over emphasized as the centerpiece of sexual activity.  Actually, oral sex and mutual masturbation are more effective sources of pleasure.  Pace yourself – you’ve got a lifetime to explore. 

7.  Don’t engage in wife swapping or open relationships.  If you have an affair (a sexual encounter while outside your primary relationship) don’t tell your partner.  This new popular form of “honesty” is very destructive.

8.  Women:  Use self-stimulation, masturbation, as a method of teaching yourself how to have and enjoy orgasm.  Start this practice in adolescence.

9.  Don’t have sex when very drunk, tired, sick, or depressed.  Don’t have sex just to prove you are liberal or to win the acceptance of love.

10.  Don’t have sex with your boss, your teachers, or any fellow employee who you’ll have to see regularly.  If you violate this rule, in hopes of a permanent relationship, be prepared to find a new job or a new employee.

11.  Women:  Don’t regard having sex as a bargaining tool or as a weapon.  Don’t think of it as something men need and you don’t want.

12.  Men:  Remember, women, for anatomical reasons, rarely have orgasms during intercourse.  Use oral and manual sex to stimulate orgasm.  Pursue sex slowly and attempt to produce (help produce) orgasm in the woman first.

13.  Women:  Don’t make a big deal about losing your virginity.  Attempt to have your first sexual experience with an older, experienced lover.  Same advice for men.

14.  Avoid sex with people who have multiple sexual partners.

15.  Allow yourself a brief period in life, one or two years, when you engage in lots of sexual exploration with different partners.  Regard this as both fun and good preparation for a positive sexual relationship with your true love.

16.  Preserve the specialness of sex by creating a good environment that is attractive.  Don’t allow sex to become habitual and mundane.  Candles, showers, good clothes, scents, a touch of wine, no curlers, clean teeth, etc., etc.

17.  One of the great sexual positions is the woman on top, definitely try this.  The woman can get great pleasure if she does the moving in this position.

18.  Men and Women:  If a lack of natural lubrication in the woman is causing too much friction, with pain, or difficulty with penetration, then use saliva (spit applied during oral sex) or KY jelly (or an equivalent) as lubricants.

19.  Men:  If you are having trouble with ejaculation too soon, try one, some or all of the following: (a) Masturbate to orgasm several hours before sex; (b) Have sex with the woman on top and let her do most of the moving; (c) Slow down thrusting as you feel orgasm approaching: (d) Stop your more stimulating fantasies as you feel orgasm approaching; restart them as your arousal slows; (e) As you feel orgasm approaching, relax your muscles especially the anus muscle; (f) Use a lubricant to reduce friction; (g) Place your penis deep into the vagina and keep your up and down (in and out motion) short; moving out (up) only an inch.  Avoid having the head of the penis move in and out of the vagina.  Don’t over stimulate the head; (h) Take a very low dose of Viagra, or some equivalent.

20.  Women:  If you want to increase the chances of orgasm during intercourse, either stimulate yourself by hand, during intercourse, or shift your body forward so that you can cause the shaft of the man’s penis to stimulate the upper end of your vagina (the part closest to your stomach).

21.  Don’t have sex with someone who you are not sexually attracted to.

22.  When having sex, let your partner know when he/she is making you feel good; don’t keep your pleasure a secret; your moan can add greatly to the excitement.  Excitement is exciting.

23.  Don’t criticize or laugh at your sex partner during the sex act.  Comment on the sex after it is over.

24.  During the sex act, communicate warmth and love; never talk about banalities; T.V., work, money, etc.

25.  Don’t get sexually involved with someone who is presently sexually involved with a friend or relative.

26.  Don’t “share” private sexual facts, or your comparative evaluation of someone’s sexual skills, with anyone but a very best friend or psychotherapist.  Abstain from revenge by sexual critique, and respect the privacy of your prior partners.  Exception: Do communicate any violent or abusive sexual conduct to anyone in the community that may be a future victim.

27.  People do vary in their sexual needs.  Nevertheless, when you are younger, i.e., between 16 and 35, have sex (including both self-stimulation and with a partner), two to four times per week.  From 35 to 45, aim for about one to three times per week; after 45, once or twice a week; after 60, once a week to once every two weeks.  While these are only guidelines, you should give some thought to a situation where you substantially depart from these guidelines.